dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
