Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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