Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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