her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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