the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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