Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
