i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
