using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
