He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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