He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
