your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
actually, I'm a sock model
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
