her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
