Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
