we have pet lesbian snakes
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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