Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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