When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
