My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
