If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
