i will never coherently bang her
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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