She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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