Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
