i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
