just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm passing your future prison.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Who died my cat blue again?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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