Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
