There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
