really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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