I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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