You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
