Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
