and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
