if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
