our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
