The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
