I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Can you bring me the toilet please
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
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