Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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