it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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