If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
