im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
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