Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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