I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
