i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Let's paint friendship bongs
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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