It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
