oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
