Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
