Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
