Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
