I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
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