I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
