hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
