Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
