Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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